It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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