Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
