Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
