Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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