Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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