We won't sleep together?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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