So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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