I accidentally had phone sex last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
