I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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