my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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