just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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