I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
