just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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