I wish they made helmets for livers.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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