That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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