Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
