My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
