the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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