Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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