make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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