I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
