put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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