I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
