I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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