Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
