You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
