went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
