I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
where are you?
Hypothermia
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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