I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
