Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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