does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
