I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
