I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
