so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
