watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
