We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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