You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
