epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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