I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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