I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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