Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
