Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
