i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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