I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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