I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
is wine microwaveable?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
