Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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