just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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