I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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