you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
