Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
