man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
