He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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