He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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